To the parent whose child made a choice that changed everything: I see you in the comments section, reading words that feel like daggers. I see you questioning every decision you made, every moment you wish you could rewind. I need you to know this first, before anything else: your parenting was not the problem. You did the best you could with what life gave you. The choices your child made as an adult – those are theirs alone to carry, not yours.
The court of public opinion is not the truth. People sitting behind screens, strangers who know nothing about your family, will say vile and foul things with a cruelty that has no place in this moment. Their words are noise. Toxic, relentless noise. And I need you to know that you don’t have to listen. You have the right to step away. Because the only truth that matters is the one you know as a parent, you know your child better than anyone else. You know their heart. You know the complexity of who they are beyond this one terrible choice. And no matter what the public says, that truth belongs to you and your family alone.
Life is situational. No one else knows what you and your family have walked through to get to this moment. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. No one knows the battles you fought, the prayers you prayed, the nights you stayed up wondering if you were doing enough. No one knows the thoughts that have lived in your mind or the weight that has lived in your heart. And because of that, their opinions about your parenting, your family, and your child simply do not hold the authority they pretend to. So it is okay to be angry. It is okay to want to scream for someone, anyone, to just understand. That anger is valid. That need to be understood is human. Feel it. Don’t let anyone rush you past it.
And the same is true for your child. No one knows their full story either. No one knows the pressures they were carrying, the thoughts in their mind, the moment everything went wrong. A headline, a mugshot, a comment section, none of that captures the full complexity of who they are as a human being. They are more than their worst decision. That doesn’t erase the consequences, and it doesn’t minimize the harm. But it does mean that strangers on the internet do not get to write the final word on who your child is. You know them. Hold onto that.
Give yourself permission to love your child fiercely and without apology. In the middle of the chaos, the headlines, and the heartbreak, it is okay to love them through this. They are still your child. One devastating decision does not erase who they are to you, and it does not erase who you are to them. Love them anyway. Love them loudly. Love them in the quiet moments when no one is watching. Then remember this: you are not alone. There are parents who have walked this road before you, who have sat exactly where you are sitting, who have felt exactly what you are feeling. You don’t have to carry this in isolation. There are people who love you, who see you, and who want to walk alongside you through this.
And please, give yourself permission to grieve. Grieve the future you imagined for your child. Grieve the milestones you pictured, the memories you thought you’d make, the version of their life you had hoped for. That grief is real, and it deserves space. It doesn’t mean you’ve given up on them. It means you loved them deeply enough to dream for them. And in the middle of all of it, how you show up for yourself matters. It’s okay to take time. It’s okay to laugh when something is funny. It’s okay to cry when the weight of it becomes too heavy. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to step back, breathe, and simply feel what you’re feeling without explanation or apology.
I’m not writing this from a distance. I’ve personally watched a child make a choice that went against everything they were raised to be. I have sat in the grief, navigated the judgment, and learned how to love fiercely through the hardest season of my life. So when I tell you that I get it…. I mean it. Someone understands. And you are not as alone as this moment feels.
With love,
Lish – XO
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